Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!