Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
RT if you could go either way.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
A French press is when you hug naked