Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Haha! 😂
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Only short people can save us
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.