Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Wednesday
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Banking tips
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’m crying im so happy for them
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures