Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*