Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.