Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.: