Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Facebook memories be like
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.