Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.