Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Air pods looking like an angry frog
