Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
(Jupiter –
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks