Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
sry
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out