Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I mean…but I did

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.