Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
You Might Also Like
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.