Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid