Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*