Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Festive toon…
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.