Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p