Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
You Might Also Like
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
2 years later
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.