Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.