Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.