Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

welp

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Sign of the day..

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”