Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The smoothest fall of all time
Ape together strong
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]