Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Vodka burrito was a success

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat