Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

bugs when you lift up a rock

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!