Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Hotels are back

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.