Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

he’s doing your taxes

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like