Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.