Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”