[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Saint West, the patron of selfies
