Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

m’lady

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Isn’t

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.