[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.