[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
john wicks are toilet candles
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.