Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?