[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The internet is full of many things
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
