[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here


monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

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smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe


Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.


Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.


David Attenborough voice

“Amazing. See how the youngest of the species always needs something when the mother is in the bathroom.”


My husband was so excited about his new hoodie coming in the mail yesterday.

Then he went to work and didn’t take it.

Now I’m really excited about my new hoodie.


I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.


Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.


[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend


Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.


Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k.
Husband: Que