[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
What?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
scrabbled eggs
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.