@TweetsByKaylee

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

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@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@spekulation

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

@PinkCamoTO

David Attenborough voice

“Amazing. See how the youngest of the species always needs something when the mother is in the bathroom.”

@Divergentmama

My husband was so excited about his new hoodie coming in the mail yesterday.

Then he went to work and didn’t take it.

Now I’m really excited about my new hoodie.

@Lisabug74

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

@SugarMagicSpice

Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

@bugspunny1

Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k.
Husband: Que