[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
