Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts