Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…