day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Saw a TikTok where this woman’s car caught on fire & only her Stanley cup survived, Stanley responded that they’re buying her a new car. I’ve bought myself a Stanley cup and I’m hoping for the best.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang