day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?