Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?