Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.