Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.