Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

I wanna be friends with this person

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute