[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Try and stop me.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.