Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

😂😂

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt