[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
