[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow