[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
