Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…