Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.