Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.