Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.