Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

stop

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks