@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

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@GrantTanaka

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@KeetPotato

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

@Tacet_no_more

When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

@stevevsninjas

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

@IamJackBoot

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.