@MaraWilson
@mortimermaiden Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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@mortimermaiden 
@GrantTanaka *pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
@Jade_VK [alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
@KeetPotato reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
@Tacet_no_more When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
@stevevsninjas The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
@SardonicTart *Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
@ItsAndyRyan Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
@Kryzazy Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
@IamJackBoot If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.