I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”