People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”
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Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?
Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
her: you’re saying my son sells marijuana?!
me: and it’s wayyyy overpriced
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.