Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

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*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out


[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days


reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after


When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is


The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.


*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*


Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack


If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.