@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

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@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

@caroline_umc

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.

@ArfMeasures

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

@Darlainky

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

@DaddyJew

At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: you’re saying my son sells marijuana?!

me: and it’s wayyyy overpriced