Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.