Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

But that’s none of my business

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”