Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

😭😭

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”