Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Anime is real
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.