Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

That’s a good costume, I hope.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

The most accurate map ever devised.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐