Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.