Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Sharon I have some bad news
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low