Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

at ease…shoulder.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!