Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld