Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.