Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Ironic

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Cake safety first. Always.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

this could fix me

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.