Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”