Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

iPhone X

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day