Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Well well well…
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG